Happy & Discontent

In what will likely be described as both my most rewarding, and most frustrating year in existence I find myself mired in unprecedented happiness, and an incredible amount of discontentment.

There’s a lot to peel back there so let’s dive in.

I am super happy. It’s a cliche to say, it sounds unbelievable at times, but I have developed an immense clarity on what life is about. I have been able to develop that clarity over time slowly at first but much deeper now that has given me the more or less sunny disposition that I exhibit on a daily basis. I feel lucky, and because I feel lucky I know I am blessed, and because I am blessed I am happy.

That’s not to say that life doesn’t suck sometimes. That’s not to say I don’t get sad, or have bad days. But it is to some degree mostly all good. So why is it that although I am more or less mostly happy, I am filled with an ever increasing amount of discontent.

dis·con·tent noun

  1. lack of contentment; dissatisfaction with one's circumstances.

  2. a person who is dissatisfied, typically with the prevailing social or political situation.

It is hard to describe if I’m being honest. Could it be causality from social media? Perhaps. Could it be societal pressures constantly felt to be XYZ by ABC? Maybe. I think that what it ultimately boils down to it’s because I have reached the point in my life where I feel incredibly close to being on the cusp of all my dreams coming true, and almost annoyingly and simultaneously no where near them.

This particularly weird thing happens when you uproot your life and change everything about what you’re doing and that is an eerie sense of calm, and unsettledness. Risks like I took in the last year don’t come easy, they don’t come without sacrifices, and they don’t come without stress. For most of my life I have let stress take a back seat, but now at 35, and trying something new I do find myself worrying more than usual.

Part of me is pretty confident that is normal. It’s normal to feel unsettled on a new path, in a new career, doing constantly new things and learning. Another part of me is riddled with the same impostor syndrome and self doubt I’ve carried along with me my entire life. So how is it that while being in this incredible period of flux in my life I have found the ability to be happy? Pretty simple, perspective.

A year ago I was laid off from my job in the middle of a pandemic and I had most literally hit rock bottom. I couldn’t come to terms with my perceived failures, my lack of employment, and a myriad of other feelings going through my mind. What happened after that termination was a months long journey to finding myself, my passion, and what I want out of life. The simple fact of the matter is that life is short and it goes by in an instant. To quote Ron Pope, “the years move fast and the days move slow”. I decided in this state of insanity across the world that I wasn’t going to do things that made me unhappy anymore.

I wasn’t going to chase a paycheck, I wasn’t going to chase love that wasn’t reciprocated, and I was going to spend the rest of my days making my dreams come true. Because at the end of the day, what else is there? I laid a roadmap out for myself of things I wanted to accomplish in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years. I am wildly exceeding even my own expectations in some areas and woefully short in other areas. And I think the most important point of that is how normal that should feel and how ok that is.

You see, I am happy, and for some that is hard to be in and of itself. If I’m discontent it’s because I am driven to be successful in my new life and career. If I’m feeling disappointed in my journey it’s because I often times don’t take the opportunity to look back at just how far I’ve come. In 2020 I drove 6,600+ miles around the country searching for myself and what I wanted out of the rest of my life and in times it isn’t the easiest to see just how far I’ve traveled to get where I am today.

Being discontent is fine, it gives me the fuel I need to keep pushing on my goals and my dreams to make them a reality. I’ve reached my “now what” moment in life and I’m so fucking excited about what’s coming next.